Dear Dennis,
My apologies for leaving you like that – I’ve just resuscitated a starving cat. It was pawing at the window pathetically and making as if chewing its arm – I think the teeth marks in the food sachet were going a bit far but I got the message and gave it two sachets to make up for starving poor “Thompson” (ginger tom) [ thinner than it used to be].
Last night I found a brilliant way to silence our dribbling, swearing, raging, shouting, screaming, kicking nine year old … I shoved him out of the front door in his pyjamas to stand on our front step – he shut up immediately and asked very politely to be let in and promised to be good and to go to bed without disturbing his brother. You see, in our street some of the kids go to bed at normal times and others are allowed to roam around well into the night. Youngling comes into the first batch but would dearly like to be in the second and I presume until now has hidden the fact that he goes to bed at a normal time (8:30) from the first batch. Whilst he was outside the front door in his pyjamas he could hear the roaming batch coming up the street kicking the dustbins and, I would think, he correctly imagined what would happen if they saw him standing there. Another fine weapon for my arsenal.
Anyway the upshot is that I now have less than a day to return the house to some semblance of order and to feed the kids all the food I was supposed to have been feeding them whilst the brunette has been away.
Actually I made a salad for lunch the other day – half way through Youngling said he didn’t like cheese, he didn’t like quiche (I don’t blame him), doesn’t like potatoes, doesn’t like hard boiled eggs, isn’t keen on cucumber, Oh and he thought the lettuce and tomato’s tasted like they had “gone off”. He only liked “squeezy cheese” and hot-dogs.
Did I tell you I emailed MP Jim Murphy [mailto:jimmurphymp@parliament.uk] with my problems regarding the Unemployment people – I told him the whole sorry story (he is the minister in charge of that lot after all) I had an email from his secretary yesterday saying he couldn’t help as I wasn’t a constituent of his (Renfrewshire) and that she had forwarded all my emails to the DWP !! I’m for it now, they’ll tie my claim up in red tape and pointless to’ing and fro’ing between different offices for months ! Bugger ! There that’ll teach me to complain ! I won’t do that again in a hurry. I’m stuffed now. When I go in to sign on next Tuesday I just know they’ll give me a good spanking.
My sister just emailed – she wants me to go over and help her empty our Dads loft – is she mad? It is going to be the hottest day of the century and she thinks she’ll get someone to willingly go and work in a loft? Why today? Why at all? Why would anyone want their loft emptied? Well it could be an excuse for not being able to tidy the house before the brunette gets back … but at what price? It’s going to be hot in that loft and not to mention the wasps nests he seems to cultivate. But the silly old sod needs help so I’d better go … he can feed the kids hmmm
28 July 2006
Dear Dennis 28/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
Let me put you in the picture … temperature at my keyboard is 29 degrees, one child dressed and the youngest refusing (Saul stayed in pyjamas all day yesterday), listening to Chas ‘n’ Dave, children have breakfasted, bathroom needs cleaning, front room needs tidying, kitchen needs a ceiling, Sauls bedroom (can’t see the floor) needs tidying as does Charlie’s, fridge still full of the food the brunette left and planned for me to feed the kids with whilst she was away, takeaway wrappers overflowing from the bin, dining table currently supporting:
my cordless drill,
a Tennon saw,
set of spanners (English),
two IDE hard drives,
dismantled stereo (Chas ‘n’ Dave playing on PC),
two temperature gauges,
several dead or dying batteries
seven used breakfast bowls
three cups of cold tea (Asam)
1 pile of unopened mail
another pile of unopened mail
1 roll of sellotape
instruction leaflet for a pedometer
pile of washing I took off the line yesterday in the rain
1 broken place mat
half of Sauls bowl of “Cheerio’s” (cats have seen off the milk but refuse the cheerio’s)
Next doors front door key (they went away at the beginning of the week and left me to … FEED THEIR CAT … hang on back in a bit
Let me put you in the picture … temperature at my keyboard is 29 degrees, one child dressed and the youngest refusing (Saul stayed in pyjamas all day yesterday), listening to Chas ‘n’ Dave, children have breakfasted, bathroom needs cleaning, front room needs tidying, kitchen needs a ceiling, Sauls bedroom (can’t see the floor) needs tidying as does Charlie’s, fridge still full of the food the brunette left and planned for me to feed the kids with whilst she was away, takeaway wrappers overflowing from the bin, dining table currently supporting:
my cordless drill,
a Tennon saw,
set of spanners (English),
two IDE hard drives,
dismantled stereo (Chas ‘n’ Dave playing on PC),
two temperature gauges,
several dead or dying batteries
seven used breakfast bowls
three cups of cold tea (Asam)
1 pile of unopened mail
another pile of unopened mail
1 roll of sellotape
instruction leaflet for a pedometer
pile of washing I took off the line yesterday in the rain
1 broken place mat
half of Sauls bowl of “Cheerio’s” (cats have seen off the milk but refuse the cheerio’s)
Next doors front door key (they went away at the beginning of the week and left me to … FEED THEIR CAT … hang on back in a bit
21 July 2006
Dear Dennis 21/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
Thanks for Tims email address thing and for looking out for the TR thingy.
Did I tell you about the little boy we meet on the walk to school in the mornings?
Some children have an imaginary friend – some may have an imaginary animal – this chap has an antelope! – well a whole herd of imaginary antelope actually! His poor mum was having terrible trouble getting him to school as the herd kept raiding gardens on the way and the little chap couldn’t handle them very well. Things have moved on a bit and thankfully his herd of imaginary antelope have gone to a zoo for a while – but he has now got an imaginary Red Panda. Trouble is they don’t move very fast (well not as fast as antelope in any case) so his mums journey to take him to school now takes three times longer as Red Pandas only have short legs and small feet!
I hope you and C have read the latest additions to my web log [www.d6equj5.blogspot.com]
One of our neighbours has an autistic 15 year old. One night a couple of weeks ago he got out of their house at 3 in the morning with their car keys, got into and started their car and was revving it up surrounded by shouting neighbours (I didn’t hear a thing and only caught up with the news the following day) luckily he couldn’t manage to jam the car into gear but did do some damage to the car in front as he let the handbrake off and rolled into it. Well, last week he got out of the house again – this time at four in the morning and he made a “camp” with sheets and garden sticks in the middle of the road. Last night / this morning he was out again although this time he had some tins of different colours of gloss paint from a neighbours front garden (apparently left out for the dustman). He painted the road purple, blue and terracotta. Thankfully and miraculously he missed all the parked cars but the road looks quite pretty now. It must be the heat or something because Saul got up last night, crept into our bedroom and removed the kittens from their basket one by one and took them down stairs and we didn’t realise until the morning. I think we’re going to “stair-gate” his room for a while.
We have 17 tomatoes on our plants and have had a dozen strawberries although it doesn’t look like there will be any more of those.
You all have a good weekend too … dude man.
D.
Thanks for Tims email address thing and for looking out for the TR thingy.
Did I tell you about the little boy we meet on the walk to school in the mornings?
Some children have an imaginary friend – some may have an imaginary animal – this chap has an antelope! – well a whole herd of imaginary antelope actually! His poor mum was having terrible trouble getting him to school as the herd kept raiding gardens on the way and the little chap couldn’t handle them very well. Things have moved on a bit and thankfully his herd of imaginary antelope have gone to a zoo for a while – but he has now got an imaginary Red Panda. Trouble is they don’t move very fast (well not as fast as antelope in any case) so his mums journey to take him to school now takes three times longer as Red Pandas only have short legs and small feet!
I hope you and C have read the latest additions to my web log [www.d6equj5.blogspot.com]
One of our neighbours has an autistic 15 year old. One night a couple of weeks ago he got out of their house at 3 in the morning with their car keys, got into and started their car and was revving it up surrounded by shouting neighbours (I didn’t hear a thing and only caught up with the news the following day) luckily he couldn’t manage to jam the car into gear but did do some damage to the car in front as he let the handbrake off and rolled into it. Well, last week he got out of the house again – this time at four in the morning and he made a “camp” with sheets and garden sticks in the middle of the road. Last night / this morning he was out again although this time he had some tins of different colours of gloss paint from a neighbours front garden (apparently left out for the dustman). He painted the road purple, blue and terracotta. Thankfully and miraculously he missed all the parked cars but the road looks quite pretty now. It must be the heat or something because Saul got up last night, crept into our bedroom and removed the kittens from their basket one by one and took them down stairs and we didn’t realise until the morning. I think we’re going to “stair-gate” his room for a while.
We have 17 tomatoes on our plants and have had a dozen strawberries although it doesn’t look like there will be any more of those.
You all have a good weekend too … dude man.
D.
19 July 2006
Dear Dennis 19/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
I have just secured voluntary work creating and updating the local church web-site to stop me going completely insane.
Do you have or do you know of a TrueType font called “in_tongues” as I think this could be the thing that would jazz up their site nicely.
God Bless
D
-----Original Message-----From: dennis [mailto:Dennis] Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2006 5:09 PMTo: David Subject: Re: and
D,
you are a first class idiot.
That's tempting fete.
I have just secured voluntary work creating and updating the local church web-site to stop me going completely insane.
Do you have or do you know of a TrueType font called “in_tongues” as I think this could be the thing that would jazz up their site nicely.
God Bless
D
-----Original Message-----From: dennis [mailto:Dennis] Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2006 5:09 PMTo: David Subject: Re: and
D,
you are a first class idiot.
That's tempting fete.
18 July 2006
Dear Dennis 18/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
I am dreaming of a Token Ring hub 19” rack unit thingy – you know, the box what screws into the racks – Token Ring hub – you don’t need them any more at the factory as you use Ethernet so you must have one for the skip – come on bloke, send me one eh? Eh? I need it to run my temperature controller in my shed – it couldn’t handle the 42 degrees today and popped. You used to tinker with Maplin Electronics didn’t you? I have one of their K8000 and K8001 units controlling the temperature and two stepper motors for my solar panel to make it “chase the sun”. It also looks after the door lock on the shed and the lighting and the external garden light system and cat intrusion alarms. So you see how desperate this is Dennis. Come on just one of the old Token Ring boxes eh? Eh? Eh?
D
I am dreaming of a Token Ring hub 19” rack unit thingy – you know, the box what screws into the racks – Token Ring hub – you don’t need them any more at the factory as you use Ethernet so you must have one for the skip – come on bloke, send me one eh? Eh? I need it to run my temperature controller in my shed – it couldn’t handle the 42 degrees today and popped. You used to tinker with Maplin Electronics didn’t you? I have one of their K8000 and K8001 units controlling the temperature and two stepper motors for my solar panel to make it “chase the sun”. It also looks after the door lock on the shed and the lighting and the external garden light system and cat intrusion alarms. So you see how desperate this is Dennis. Come on just one of the old Token Ring boxes eh? Eh? Eh?
D
Dear Dennis 18/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
Not to worry – the brunette has found an ‘otel (and amazingly we could pay using paypal!). They seem to converse in a strange dialect up there but I’m sure she’ll cope – she is after all a BSc Hons and no longer a HSe Wf.
I sign-on today so I’m gathering myself for the inevitable anti-self-esteem gas they release in ‘that’ building. It smells like a mixture of B.O., Linx and OMO washing powder. It is always worse in this weather but then at the end of the summer we start to get feint traces of coconut essence from the tanning lotions and the floor gets slightly sandy from where my co-signers time it a bit tight and have to dash over from the airport once they touch-down from their hols. I just don’t know what the excuse will be this week for not granting me any benefits but hopefully they’ve not added any other branch offices to the wide range they seem to send my claim to on a regular basis. I know they are trying to “lose” my claim and miraculously it has resisted being “lost” up until now but some day soon they are going to tell me they have no record of my claim and I’ll have to start the process all over again. I gave up on my MP a while ago as he just seemed to make things worse with his “I demand you do something about this” letters.
Have to go now as washing up needs doing and my hot-melt glue gun is warmed and ready for the daily toy mending session.
D
Not to worry – the brunette has found an ‘otel (and amazingly we could pay using paypal!). They seem to converse in a strange dialect up there but I’m sure she’ll cope – she is after all a BSc Hons and no longer a HSe Wf.
I sign-on today so I’m gathering myself for the inevitable anti-self-esteem gas they release in ‘that’ building. It smells like a mixture of B.O., Linx and OMO washing powder. It is always worse in this weather but then at the end of the summer we start to get feint traces of coconut essence from the tanning lotions and the floor gets slightly sandy from where my co-signers time it a bit tight and have to dash over from the airport once they touch-down from their hols. I just don’t know what the excuse will be this week for not granting me any benefits but hopefully they’ve not added any other branch offices to the wide range they seem to send my claim to on a regular basis. I know they are trying to “lose” my claim and miraculously it has resisted being “lost” up until now but some day soon they are going to tell me they have no record of my claim and I’ll have to start the process all over again. I gave up on my MP a while ago as he just seemed to make things worse with his “I demand you do something about this” letters.
Have to go now as washing up needs doing and my hot-melt glue gun is warmed and ready for the daily toy mending session.
D
14 July 2006
Dear Dennis 14/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
I have an idea. Bear with me for a moment. (Bear or Bare?)
Q. What is it that we all do when turning the tap on to get a drink of water?
A. We let the tap run for a minute or so to let the colder, clearer water come through.
Q. Is that not a criminal waste of resources?
I don’t know of any such device on the market just now.
If only some plumbing genius such as you could come up with a design of tap which continually circulates the water in the very top end of the pipe back down to further back in the system so that the water at the top is continually renewed and constantly cool and fresh. It needn’t be pumped using electricity as capillary action or convection could possibly be used to circulate cool>warm>cool water.
Once you have considered this and put it to your mates at the pub and decide to knock up a trial device – I’ll test it for you.
D.
I have an idea. Bear with me for a moment. (Bear or Bare?)
Q. What is it that we all do when turning the tap on to get a drink of water?
A. We let the tap run for a minute or so to let the colder, clearer water come through.
Q. Is that not a criminal waste of resources?
I don’t know of any such device on the market just now.
If only some plumbing genius such as you could come up with a design of tap which continually circulates the water in the very top end of the pipe back down to further back in the system so that the water at the top is continually renewed and constantly cool and fresh. It needn’t be pumped using electricity as capillary action or convection could possibly be used to circulate cool>warm>cool water.
Once you have considered this and put it to your mates at the pub and decide to knock up a trial device – I’ll test it for you.
D.
11 July 2006
Dear Dennis 11/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
Thanks for your words mate, you cheer me up no end. Hows the guzzi?
On the matter of the brunettes course – she has decided to take the one at Liverpool Uni as it is only four days whereas the Keale course was for two weeks and although she really wants to meet you and Carol, we’ve decided we can only do without her for four days at the moment but really, thank you so much for your kind offer.
Aiye come the revolution.
D.
-----Original Message-----From: dennis [mailto:dennis] Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2006 5:34 PMTo: David Subject: Re: Tuesday
Holiday!! not yet matey weeks to go yet. I reckon you should send your saga to the department of work and pensions minister and No.10 so they can see what a shambles it is and how they are messing peoples lives up. Come the revolution eh?
Dennis
Thanks for your words mate, you cheer me up no end. Hows the guzzi?
On the matter of the brunettes course – she has decided to take the one at Liverpool Uni as it is only four days whereas the Keale course was for two weeks and although she really wants to meet you and Carol, we’ve decided we can only do without her for four days at the moment but really, thank you so much for your kind offer.
Aiye come the revolution.
D.
-----Original Message-----From: dennis [mailto:dennis] Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2006 5:34 PMTo: David Subject: Re: Tuesday
Holiday!! not yet matey weeks to go yet. I reckon you should send your saga to the department of work and pensions minister and No.10 so they can see what a shambles it is and how they are messing peoples lives up. Come the revolution eh?
Dennis
Dear Dennis 11/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
I trust you are well and on holiday somewhere relaxing and recovering your composure to return with gusto and renewed presence to the factory.
Me? Well I phoned the Unemployment people yesterday – my local branch told me that they had sent my claim to Kent (this is new but I soon found out they are now calling the infamous Canterbury – Kent) and also, because Kent now had my claim, they at the local branch couldn’t answer any questions. I called Kent (on the Canterbury number) and they answered straight away! Wow this was indeed a change for the good. Unfortunately for me though they then told me they had sent my claim to Nottingham (second time in eight weeks). I dutifully called Nottingham to be told that since it was a Reading claim, they couldn’t answer and I’d have to speak to my local branch…
I emailed my MP and asked him to please stop helping me as his intervention had caused my claim to be dumped into some interminable loop by the Benefits Agency – I’d rather just sit it out until they figured I’d waited long enough and was again compliant and suitably subservient, showing enough deference and stopped asking awkward questions.
This morning I did the same and rang the Benefits agency local office – I was told my claim was at Kent.
I rang Kent (Canterbury) – I was told my claim was at NEWCASTLE!
“Could I have the number for Newcastle please?” “Sorry Newcastle don’t accept telephone enquiries”
There, they’ve sorted it out – clearly each time they said they'd sent it to Nottingham they’d actually sent it to Newcastle but the people they employ on the telephones don’t know the difference as they’ve not been in the country long enough to learn our geography and so kept telling me my claim was sent to the wrong place – no wonder Nottingham never knew anything about my claim!
We are just waiting for the Income Tax refund … what a day that will be. I must admit we shed group tears the day I received the notification from the tax office that the factory had taken money they shouldn’t have. After all they didn’t need to take the money, I was broken by that time – it was just weeks after Saul was born and we were scared stiff. I suppose it was just an extra kick just because they could, but the difference it would have made to me and the brunette is astronomical – I’ve been taken to court twice for Council tax where I could have paid. Credit cards and mortgage are "distressed" and behind with payments where they needn’t have been – if only they’d had just a little empathy or social conscience instead of viciousness and for what? I hadn’t even really done anything wrong otherwise they’d have sacked me instead of the redundancy farce. I needn’t have sold so much stuff from the shed on @bay, I might just have been able to get further in my degree before we ran out of money … they really needn’t have done it mate.
Ah deep breaths.
Saul and I have watered the tomatoes and now we’re gonna watch StarWars
Laters
D.
I trust you are well and on holiday somewhere relaxing and recovering your composure to return with gusto and renewed presence to the factory.
Me? Well I phoned the Unemployment people yesterday – my local branch told me that they had sent my claim to Kent (this is new but I soon found out they are now calling the infamous Canterbury – Kent) and also, because Kent now had my claim, they at the local branch couldn’t answer any questions. I called Kent (on the Canterbury number) and they answered straight away! Wow this was indeed a change for the good. Unfortunately for me though they then told me they had sent my claim to Nottingham (second time in eight weeks). I dutifully called Nottingham to be told that since it was a Reading claim, they couldn’t answer and I’d have to speak to my local branch…
I emailed my MP and asked him to please stop helping me as his intervention had caused my claim to be dumped into some interminable loop by the Benefits Agency – I’d rather just sit it out until they figured I’d waited long enough and was again compliant and suitably subservient, showing enough deference and stopped asking awkward questions.
This morning I did the same and rang the Benefits agency local office – I was told my claim was at Kent.
I rang Kent (Canterbury) – I was told my claim was at NEWCASTLE!
“Could I have the number for Newcastle please?” “Sorry Newcastle don’t accept telephone enquiries”
There, they’ve sorted it out – clearly each time they said they'd sent it to Nottingham they’d actually sent it to Newcastle but the people they employ on the telephones don’t know the difference as they’ve not been in the country long enough to learn our geography and so kept telling me my claim was sent to the wrong place – no wonder Nottingham never knew anything about my claim!
We are just waiting for the Income Tax refund … what a day that will be. I must admit we shed group tears the day I received the notification from the tax office that the factory had taken money they shouldn’t have. After all they didn’t need to take the money, I was broken by that time – it was just weeks after Saul was born and we were scared stiff. I suppose it was just an extra kick just because they could, but the difference it would have made to me and the brunette is astronomical – I’ve been taken to court twice for Council tax where I could have paid. Credit cards and mortgage are "distressed" and behind with payments where they needn’t have been – if only they’d had just a little empathy or social conscience instead of viciousness and for what? I hadn’t even really done anything wrong otherwise they’d have sacked me instead of the redundancy farce. I needn’t have sold so much stuff from the shed on @bay, I might just have been able to get further in my degree before we ran out of money … they really needn’t have done it mate.
Ah deep breaths.
Saul and I have watered the tomatoes and now we’re gonna watch StarWars
Laters
D.
08 July 2006
Dear Dennis 8/7/2006
-----Original Message-----From: dennis Sent: Friday, July 07, 2006 11:59 AMTo: David
Subject: RE: Radio Active
Dear Dave
I have had a neck since some twit ran into the back of my company van some years ago. Congrats to the brunette it's a big thing. Not the hat the degree. An hons eh , I 've seen that somewhere too. I believe though that it means more depending upon whom it is attached and what their actually like in action.Saul has what I believe is called a "hole in the heart". I had one of those when I was born and had a pioneerin op when I was 3. As you see I am unaffected and I will gladly show him my scar. I believe that they are more common than I knew and that indeed they do heal up on their own. I read an interesting study though that showed a link between that and migraine. They found that in many sufferers that they either had had or had an undiagnised / unhealed HITH. It's on the web somewhere.Still no Fridgemagnets cd sorry.I'm listening to the Stones at the moment they were great you know and some of the songs are very easy. I need some sheet music and a slide guitar now. Dino
Dear Dennis,
I believe I’ve never been to bed with an “Honourable” person before (I presume hons means honourable). I made her honourshipness two cups of coffee yesterday – I’m trying to get some birthday honours.
Yes, you’ve hit the HITH on the head there mate although looking it up on the wibbly wobbly and all I get from googly is Hole In the Head – some affliction of tropical fish I believe. We’ve got pamphlets though and the brunette is virtually a doctor now so she surely knows. I’ve been adjusting an old parking radar module I had from one of the robots, trying to tune it to be able to “see through” clothes, skin and gizzards – I can’t find out what frequency to use though and I can’t even “see through” one of the kittens (one has to test these things on animals first) but don’t tell the ALF neighbours! Maybe I should increase the voltage in the transducer. I thought in one experiment I had it tuned just right and it was seeing through the kitten but when I looked around the lead screen the little bugger had moved! I had to get the sellotape out.
Did I tell you there was a SAUL WHATSIT picking up a degree in Geography (human) at the Uni ceremony? What a coincidence.
I’ve got no Stones music – something I’ve regretted for a while now.
Ah! Good news – Mr Income Tax contacted me and has completed his investigation of my tax payments whilst at the factory and especially the money Rita took off my redundancy settlement – Mr Tax is going to refund me a thing for more than a FASAND QUID !! a windfall indeed! I’m over joyed! My thoughts immediately sidled over towards a roof extension for the shed but the brunette caught me looking at the lumber catalogue and says the children need clothes and shoes then food then banks then credit cards then car service then ink cartridges for the printer … my shed didn’t even feature on her list! Still, never mind, I expect she’s right – she normally is – I’ve seen a skip down the road with some interesting bits of wood in so I’ll take a trip out late this evening and see what I can get.
Now, I’ve got the tax question resolved so who do I speak to about the weight problem? Since they spat me out of the factory three years ago, I’ve gained an incredible 5 stones! It is clearly the factory’s fault so who can I talk to about it? Compensation? I’ve only put it all on as a result of being made redundant so surely it is Rita’s fault. I should maybe try writing to Paul & Gordon in the first instance.
Any road it’s a Saturday and I’ve some very important things to be doing.
D.
Subject: RE: Radio Active
Dear Dave
I have had a neck since some twit ran into the back of my company van some years ago. Congrats to the brunette it's a big thing. Not the hat the degree. An hons eh , I 've seen that somewhere too. I believe though that it means more depending upon whom it is attached and what their actually like in action.Saul has what I believe is called a "hole in the heart". I had one of those when I was born and had a pioneerin op when I was 3. As you see I am unaffected and I will gladly show him my scar. I believe that they are more common than I knew and that indeed they do heal up on their own. I read an interesting study though that showed a link between that and migraine. They found that in many sufferers that they either had had or had an undiagnised / unhealed HITH. It's on the web somewhere.Still no Fridgemagnets cd sorry.I'm listening to the Stones at the moment they were great you know and some of the songs are very easy. I need some sheet music and a slide guitar now. Dino
Dear Dennis,
I believe I’ve never been to bed with an “Honourable” person before (I presume hons means honourable). I made her honourshipness two cups of coffee yesterday – I’m trying to get some birthday honours.
Yes, you’ve hit the HITH on the head there mate although looking it up on the wibbly wobbly and all I get from googly is Hole In the Head – some affliction of tropical fish I believe. We’ve got pamphlets though and the brunette is virtually a doctor now so she surely knows. I’ve been adjusting an old parking radar module I had from one of the robots, trying to tune it to be able to “see through” clothes, skin and gizzards – I can’t find out what frequency to use though and I can’t even “see through” one of the kittens (one has to test these things on animals first) but don’t tell the ALF neighbours! Maybe I should increase the voltage in the transducer. I thought in one experiment I had it tuned just right and it was seeing through the kitten but when I looked around the lead screen the little bugger had moved! I had to get the sellotape out.
Did I tell you there was a SAUL WHATSIT picking up a degree in Geography (human) at the Uni ceremony? What a coincidence.
I’ve got no Stones music – something I’ve regretted for a while now.
Ah! Good news – Mr Income Tax contacted me and has completed his investigation of my tax payments whilst at the factory and especially the money Rita took off my redundancy settlement – Mr Tax is going to refund me a thing for more than a FASAND QUID !! a windfall indeed! I’m over joyed! My thoughts immediately sidled over towards a roof extension for the shed but the brunette caught me looking at the lumber catalogue and says the children need clothes and shoes then food then banks then credit cards then car service then ink cartridges for the printer … my shed didn’t even feature on her list! Still, never mind, I expect she’s right – she normally is – I’ve seen a skip down the road with some interesting bits of wood in so I’ll take a trip out late this evening and see what I can get.
Now, I’ve got the tax question resolved so who do I speak to about the weight problem? Since they spat me out of the factory three years ago, I’ve gained an incredible 5 stones! It is clearly the factory’s fault so who can I talk to about it? Compensation? I’ve only put it all on as a result of being made redundant so surely it is Rita’s fault. I should maybe try writing to Paul & Gordon in the first instance.
Any road it’s a Saturday and I’ve some very important things to be doing.
D.
06 July 2006
Dear Dennis 6/7/2006
Dear D.
Coo what a life you lead.
I have a neck too and I can only look right.
What'sup with Saul then, kids eh?
I heard today that if you find bringing up kids expensive then you can send them to abroad. Apparently they can then be supported via oxfam for £15 per month.
I called my surgery today for a repeat prescription. They were closed but informed me that they were open from Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr............
I notice that the furniture shop near here sells Chester drawers. Do you have them down your way?
Dino
Dear Dennis,
We went to the brunettes University today for a crisp 'n' champagne buffet (I quickly trained Saul to refill my palm with crisps at regular intervals) and then we watched her ceremoniously receive her degree from some dusty old soak who was dressed in a red batman cape and a kind of overly large flat cap similar to the ones the goodies used to wear. Various other dusty professors watched from up on a high stage, in comfy chairs, in different coloured capes and hats and in different stages of consciousness. Charlie was at school so Saul and I cheered and clapped til our hands hurt as the brunette went up to collect her scroll but then the other parents around started whispering "ssshhhhh!!" so I got Saul down off the chair and we sat down. She is now a "BSc Hons." Actually you get Hons if you score above 40% and she got double that so maybe she should be BSc H2oNs? I'll send you a photee or two, I took loads. She had to give the cape and mortar board cap thing back as they can only hire them for a couple of hours. A shame really as it'd have been great on Halloween. They put on a cracking do' though and it was a great day indeed. AND there was a student picking up his degree and he was called SAUL, AND he had the same surname!
You've never said you had a neck before now - how long have you had it? We ought to get a driving job together then you can look right and I'll do the leftism bit. A milk round sounds good. I want to be a park keeper though and they don't drive around much - unless of course we get a motorised wheelbarrow and besom Â…
Little Saul has a "murmur". I can't hear it on his stethescope from his doctors outfit but the doc reckoned it was worth a trip to the hospital and a scan. The "specialist" says he has a small hole in some ventricle or wall thing or other but he could still be an Olympic athlete if he wanted (personnally I'd rather he was a famous rock star or a high powered business man). It is only a couple of millimetres and will probably close up as he grows. I asked for the measurement in Queens Imperial but he couldn't work it out and said we should come (go) back to see him in 3 years time - bloody hell my calendar doesn't go that far - it only goes to December this year! I hope they send me a reminder. The only special measure is that if he has to have a tooth out at the dentist we have to let the dentist know first and get him on a course of anti-biotics. He didn't say what to do if he got a tooth knocked out at the mother and toddler group on a Wednesday but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Arent kids weird - did you ever have an imaginary friend? Well I hear it's normal for some kids to have one and they grow out of it after a while. Well we met one of Sauls toddler mates on the way home the other day (his name is Fred) and he has an imaginary animal friend! Not only that, it is an imaginary antelope! Worse than that it is a herd of imaginary antelope! They caused havoc in the gardens on the way home from school I can tell you and his poor mum is at her wits end! I didn't know what to advise apart from jab him with a spoon or something. Poor girl.
Your doctors surgery must have the same telephone system as the Benefits Agency. "Hello I'd like to ask an awkward question please" "certainly sir" click bbbrrrrr ...
Chester drawers are a northern thing and not allowed down here.
D.
Coo what a life you lead.
I have a neck too and I can only look right.
What'sup with Saul then, kids eh?
I heard today that if you find bringing up kids expensive then you can send them to abroad. Apparently they can then be supported via oxfam for £15 per month.
I called my surgery today for a repeat prescription. They were closed but informed me that they were open from Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr............
I notice that the furniture shop near here sells Chester drawers. Do you have them down your way?
Dino
Dear Dennis,
We went to the brunettes University today for a crisp 'n' champagne buffet (I quickly trained Saul to refill my palm with crisps at regular intervals) and then we watched her ceremoniously receive her degree from some dusty old soak who was dressed in a red batman cape and a kind of overly large flat cap similar to the ones the goodies used to wear. Various other dusty professors watched from up on a high stage, in comfy chairs, in different coloured capes and hats and in different stages of consciousness. Charlie was at school so Saul and I cheered and clapped til our hands hurt as the brunette went up to collect her scroll but then the other parents around started whispering "ssshhhhh!!" so I got Saul down off the chair and we sat down. She is now a "BSc Hons." Actually you get Hons if you score above 40% and she got double that so maybe she should be BSc H2oNs? I'll send you a photee or two, I took loads. She had to give the cape and mortar board cap thing back as they can only hire them for a couple of hours. A shame really as it'd have been great on Halloween. They put on a cracking do' though and it was a great day indeed. AND there was a student picking up his degree and he was called SAUL, AND he had the same surname!
You've never said you had a neck before now - how long have you had it? We ought to get a driving job together then you can look right and I'll do the leftism bit. A milk round sounds good. I want to be a park keeper though and they don't drive around much - unless of course we get a motorised wheelbarrow and besom Â…
Little Saul has a "murmur". I can't hear it on his stethescope from his doctors outfit but the doc reckoned it was worth a trip to the hospital and a scan. The "specialist" says he has a small hole in some ventricle or wall thing or other but he could still be an Olympic athlete if he wanted (personnally I'd rather he was a famous rock star or a high powered business man). It is only a couple of millimetres and will probably close up as he grows. I asked for the measurement in Queens Imperial but he couldn't work it out and said we should come (go) back to see him in 3 years time - bloody hell my calendar doesn't go that far - it only goes to December this year! I hope they send me a reminder. The only special measure is that if he has to have a tooth out at the dentist we have to let the dentist know first and get him on a course of anti-biotics. He didn't say what to do if he got a tooth knocked out at the mother and toddler group on a Wednesday but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Arent kids weird - did you ever have an imaginary friend? Well I hear it's normal for some kids to have one and they grow out of it after a while. Well we met one of Sauls toddler mates on the way home the other day (his name is Fred) and he has an imaginary animal friend! Not only that, it is an imaginary antelope! Worse than that it is a herd of imaginary antelope! They caused havoc in the gardens on the way home from school I can tell you and his poor mum is at her wits end! I didn't know what to advise apart from jab him with a spoon or something. Poor girl.
Your doctors surgery must have the same telephone system as the Benefits Agency. "Hello I'd like to ask an awkward question please" "certainly sir" click bbbrrrrr ...
Chester drawers are a northern thing and not allowed down here.
D.
05 July 2006
Dear Dennis 5/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
One of my uncles died the other day and following a week of directional @mails we went to say a sad, very fond and quite lovely farewell last Friday at the crematorium some 300 miles away. It was a “good day for a buryin’” as they say in all the best westerns. The sun was shining bright over the Cornish moors and quite a crowd turned out to see him off and at the small, local pub after. He was indeed “one of the good ones” from this world, I have many splendid memories of him – he owned and ran a couple of pubs during my late teens and early twenties (always a good move if you want to be favourite uncle) and took one of my sisters and me to motorbike scrambling meets around the south a few times. He used to race stock cars in younger days and regaled me with stories of how during race weekends his girlfriend of the time used to cook up breakfasts on a camping stove in the tent behind the paddock of the various race tracks for some of the (now/used to be famous) drivers and how, after a particularly hard crash one weekend he was so bruised on his back and legs that he couldn’t walk and could only crawl around the house for a week or so afterward. How he used to over-bore and tune his engines so much that normal head gaskets wouldn’t fit and in order to get some material between the cylinders in the block for the head to bolt down onto, he used to lay lengths of cotton between them on the block before tightening down the head to act as a gasket. I went to a Halloween fancy dress at one of his pubs once and he judged me 1st and I won a bottle of wine – he was great. I never ever heard him say a bad word about anyone. His neighbours say that in recent years, every weekend was like a party at his cottage and he made a legendary “three week casserole”. Whiskey soaked Sundays every other weekend watching the Grand Prix with mates, seven cats, three dogs and three tortoises (they played the Fleetwood Mac track as the curtain closed). A plumber by trade in recent years and one of those people who you wouldn’t think amount to much maybe in themselves but whomever they touch, their lives were made so much better. He lived his life and had a great time doing it. He was happy and everyone he met was happy. The world has without doubt, lost a good one.
I shall endeavour to return for the scattering of the ashes and hopefully it won’t turn into a dust storm like the day we scattered my mum – see 28/7/2005 but if it does it’ll make the buffet afterwards more fun and I’ll have a laugh.
I met family I’d not seen for years – how they’ve changed! I was told how proud I must be of my brother as he is so rich and entertaining. And caught up with family gossip. One of my cousins “Strawberry” used to be known by some normal name – her father used to be a naval commander and very staid (probably an admiral or something by now) – she rebelled in a most spectacular fashion, changed her name to Strawberry Blue and married a damn yank!
D.
One of my uncles died the other day and following a week of directional @mails we went to say a sad, very fond and quite lovely farewell last Friday at the crematorium some 300 miles away. It was a “good day for a buryin’” as they say in all the best westerns. The sun was shining bright over the Cornish moors and quite a crowd turned out to see him off and at the small, local pub after. He was indeed “one of the good ones” from this world, I have many splendid memories of him – he owned and ran a couple of pubs during my late teens and early twenties (always a good move if you want to be favourite uncle) and took one of my sisters and me to motorbike scrambling meets around the south a few times. He used to race stock cars in younger days and regaled me with stories of how during race weekends his girlfriend of the time used to cook up breakfasts on a camping stove in the tent behind the paddock of the various race tracks for some of the (now/used to be famous) drivers and how, after a particularly hard crash one weekend he was so bruised on his back and legs that he couldn’t walk and could only crawl around the house for a week or so afterward. How he used to over-bore and tune his engines so much that normal head gaskets wouldn’t fit and in order to get some material between the cylinders in the block for the head to bolt down onto, he used to lay lengths of cotton between them on the block before tightening down the head to act as a gasket. I went to a Halloween fancy dress at one of his pubs once and he judged me 1st and I won a bottle of wine – he was great. I never ever heard him say a bad word about anyone. His neighbours say that in recent years, every weekend was like a party at his cottage and he made a legendary “three week casserole”. Whiskey soaked Sundays every other weekend watching the Grand Prix with mates, seven cats, three dogs and three tortoises (they played the Fleetwood Mac track as the curtain closed). A plumber by trade in recent years and one of those people who you wouldn’t think amount to much maybe in themselves but whomever they touch, their lives were made so much better. He lived his life and had a great time doing it. He was happy and everyone he met was happy. The world has without doubt, lost a good one.
I shall endeavour to return for the scattering of the ashes and hopefully it won’t turn into a dust storm like the day we scattered my mum – see 28/7/2005 but if it does it’ll make the buffet afterwards more fun and I’ll have a laugh.
I met family I’d not seen for years – how they’ve changed! I was told how proud I must be of my brother as he is so rich and entertaining. And caught up with family gossip. One of my cousins “Strawberry” used to be known by some normal name – her father used to be a naval commander and very staid (probably an admiral or something by now) – she rebelled in a most spectacular fashion, changed her name to Strawberry Blue and married a damn yank!
D.
01 July 2006
Dear Dennis 1/7/2006
Dear Dennis,
I hope you and your Carol are well and even more rested after your most recent holiday - where did you go this time? I trust the factory are well and all the little Ritas are performing to summarily directed SLA's and targets. Our adoptive cat gave birth to four kittens on Tuesday - on young Charles bed of all places and at 2:30 in the morning too! The cat seemed to be handling things alright by itself so I went back to bed and told Charlie to sleep on the floor but by that time the brunette had surfaced and the whole affair turned into a full-scale operation with towels, cups of coffee, oo's, ah's and a blow-by-blow account being called out around the house. It was very hard to maintain a sleep posture throughout but I think I pulled it off ok. I've been rewarded for my efforts by being tasked with cleaning out the old litter tray I threw on the compost heap last year after our original cats had finished with it. The cat (ah bless) refused point-blank to sleep with her new kittens in the fabulous timber miniature shed I'd fashioned and instead is firmly ensconced in a plastic clothes basket next to our bed where the brunette can keep a close eye and break my sleep pattern with regular 'leaning-over-the-bed' exercises to check on kittens safety. The first time she sprawled over the bed in her double layer winceyette I thought it was my cue, I was though, immediately and firmly rebuffed and made to feel like rather a cad actually. "How could [I] possibly think of things like that at a time like this".
D
I hope you and your Carol are well and even more rested after your most recent holiday - where did you go this time? I trust the factory are well and all the little Ritas are performing to summarily directed SLA's and targets. Our adoptive cat gave birth to four kittens on Tuesday - on young Charles bed of all places and at 2:30 in the morning too! The cat seemed to be handling things alright by itself so I went back to bed and told Charlie to sleep on the floor but by that time the brunette had surfaced and the whole affair turned into a full-scale operation with towels, cups of coffee, oo's, ah's and a blow-by-blow account being called out around the house. It was very hard to maintain a sleep posture throughout but I think I pulled it off ok. I've been rewarded for my efforts by being tasked with cleaning out the old litter tray I threw on the compost heap last year after our original cats had finished with it. The cat (ah bless) refused point-blank to sleep with her new kittens in the fabulous timber miniature shed I'd fashioned and instead is firmly ensconced in a plastic clothes basket next to our bed where the brunette can keep a close eye and break my sleep pattern with regular 'leaning-over-the-bed' exercises to check on kittens safety. The first time she sprawled over the bed in her double layer winceyette I thought it was my cue, I was though, immediately and firmly rebuffed and made to feel like rather a cad actually. "How could [I] possibly think of things like that at a time like this".
D
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