25/5/2006

My dearest nearly geek friend,

How are you and your Carol? On holiday again? Working hard? Running a Donkey Sanctuary on Cyprus?

My signing on was an experience and I continue to be in receipt of no benefits what so ever. I signed on Tuesday – sat down in front of the bloke and he asked, “how are you today?” I started to tell him that my foot was giving me gip but he cut me short and asked what I was doing to find work. I handed over my “Finding Work” form filled with page after page of job details I’ve applied for. He seemed taken aback. Apparently their “customers” generally only put one or two job details on the form every couple of weeks and I filled the whole 6 pages in my first week! I explained that I was keen and it was sure to wear off soon but asked for a continuation form anyway. I asked him if he knew when I might get any benefit money, “four to six weeks from date of signing” (apparently their stock answer) “I signed eight weeks ago” I told him. I got the distinct impression I was now getting annoying as he sighed deeply and prodded his computer even harder. “We have no details” he explained and then added “you have to ring Canterbury; we sent your details to them” Now, I’ve been in this position before or somewhere similar “Anyone in Canterbury?” I asked thinking maybe Town Hall, Post Office, Mrs Jessing at No.42 Glebe Place or maybe the fish shop “Yes just ring Canterbury and they’ll put you through” I asked for their number and got another big effort sigh. On my return home I rang the number he gave me (I won’t bore you with the 37 minutes it took me to get through) Well it turns out Canterbury don’t have my details. “Reading told me they’d sent them to you and that I should give you a call to find out when I might get benefit payments” I whimpered with desperation creeping into my voice “Why did they tell you that?” I was asked, by “Katttrania” I didn’t shout “HOW THE FECK SHOULD I KNOW” but was sorely tempted. After a while it emerged that my local branch had not in fact sent my details to Canterbury (another of their tricks they play on new signers probably). Canterbury insist I ring the local branch to find out where my details are … this is going to drag on I’m sure.

Do you have a spare aluminium scaffold pole? About 10M should do the job – post it if you have one – you shouldn’t need a postal tube nor should you need to wrap it up, just write my address in indelible ink along its length. I should sellotape the stamp if I were you though.

The brunette had her last exam yesterday and is now mooning about the place like some lost sheep although she has laid a bet that she will find a job before I do … I snook down the bookies and put a pound on that one to win.

Our local museum needs a Documentation Assistant again – someone to document the archaeology collections – they ask for someone with “an interest in archaeological material of all periods” well I’m interested of course and can identify a broken pot when I see one but I wouldn’t know if it came from the Jurassic or Crustacean periods – was the Jurassic period in the bronze age? I know from school that the Dark ages were when all the knights were roaming about the place.

Have you heard any more about any jobs at the factory? Anything in Watford maybe? Still no word from Tim or Bal. I got a new set of “Trainer Tamers” yesterday and spent this morning cutting them to shape and fitting them into my shoes then I listened to the Gypsy Kings for a while until the tape switched and Steve Earl came on yelling about some hillbilly road.

I’m going to clean the kitchen cupboards tomorrow.
D

10/5/2006

Hi me old china – (cockney rhyming slang),
I’m on the Rock and Roll (cockney rhyming slang)
Zsd;foi ia poaewrtpo aw]epo]poawetpo ]awetpok (nonsense)
The brunette has ordered me not to look for full time work but in it’s stead I should search out some part time thingy. Apparently I am needed to take kids to school and then collect them again afterward. This leaves me free to start work at 10am and finish again at 14.00hrs. I expect I’ll get used to these new long hours but it may take some while. So unless Rita needs someone to lend a hand for a while around lunch time every day he can get stuffed – actually no don’t say that as the brunette would change her mind if I explained the benefits of money to her. For now though I’m being compliant – it’s only fair until her finals are over in a couple of weeks time.

I’ve taken to selling junk on @bay – I listed a camera lens I dug out of the far corner of the shed last week – some twit in Austria gave me a bunch worth of intergalactic PayPal credits for it ! I’ve now dug out some old amps, a CB radio (10-4 good buddy), two portable CD players and an old black and white luggable video camera. I’m trying to keep it quiet from the brunette but I may have to use her bank account as my three appear to be broken.

How cerise of me – how was your holiday bloke? Get a tan did you? Buy a plot of land eh? Tuck into some goat stew or haloumi on toast with honey? Did yer go and see Aphrodite’s whatsit?

All the best
Your favourite seller
D